What have the Muslims ever done for us?


At an EDL meeting, in a darkened pub room with a very conspiratorial atmosphere. Greg and Stan are seated at a table at one end of the room. Frank, dressed in activist gear — a signature EDL hoody — is standing by a plan on the wall. He is addressing an audience of about eight ski masked activists. Their faces are partially hidden…

The coaches park up at this public car park here, we then march down this street just around the corner from the new megamosque… the police will probably try to stop us here, but if we are clever and not too pissed, we might be able to outwit them and march down Brewers Lane, right next to the new mosque. Having reached the site of the mosque, we inform those muzzies that they are in our country and forthwith issue our demands. Any questions?

What exactly are the demands?

We’re giving them two days to dismantle the entire mosque and if they don’t agree immediately we will put a pig’s head outside the door in the dead of night!

Cut a pig’s head off?

Cut all it’s bits off, send ’em to the mosque every hour on the hour… show him we’re not to be trifled with.

Also, we’re demanding a ten foot cartoon of the Prophet with a bomb in his turban.

What? They’ll never agree to that, Greg!

That’s just a bargaining counter. And of course, we point out that they bear full responsibility when we chop the pig up, and… that we shall not submit to Muzlamic Law.

(Applause) No Muzlamic rayguns!

They’ve bled us white, the bastards. They’ve taken everything we had, not just from us, from our fathers and from our fathers’ fathers.

And from our fathers’ fathers’ fathers.


And from our fathers’ fathers’ fathers’ fathers.

All right, Stan. Don’t labour the point. And what have they ever given us in return?

The kebab.

Oh yeah, yeah they gave us that. Yeah. That’s true.

Masked Activist:
And soap, toothbrushes, perfume!

Oh yes… personal hygiene, Greg, you remember what people used to be like before, with all that bad B.O.

All right, I’ll grant you that kebabs and personal hygiene are two things that the Muslims have done…

And carpets…

(sharply) Well yes obviously the carpets… the carpets go without saying. But apart from kebabs, toiletries and carpet…

Another Masked Activist:

Other Masked Voices:
Algebra… Medicine… Astrolabes… Telescopes… Star charts… Education… Health… Optics… Maps… Water clocks… Arab horses… The scientific method… Advances in architecture… Evolution… Gardening…

Yes… all right, fair enough…

Activist Near Front:
And coffee…

Oh yes! True!

Yeah. That’s something we’d really miss if the Muslims left, Greg.

Masked Activist at Back:
Baths and showers!

And street lighting, it’s safe to walk in the streets at night now.

Yes, they certainly know how to make kebabs and drive us home safely at night… (general nodding)… let’s face it, they’re the only ones who could in a place like this.

(more general murmurs of agreement)

All right… all right… but apart from better personal hygiene and medicine and education and irrigation and public health and carpets and baths and algebra and architecture and science and gardening and kebabs and taxis… what have the Muslims ever done for us?

Brought peace!

(very angry, he’s not having a good meeting at all)

What!? Oh… (scornfully) Peace, yes… shut up!


6 thoughts on “What have the Muslims ever done for us?

  1. In answer to the question, in days of yore it was the Turks who sent huge ship loads of food to combat the famine in Ireland. Christians were welcomed with open arms and still live happily with Muslims in Jerusalem . Most recently when there were floods in the U.K. the Arabs and Muslim countries dispatched monetary aid, food and relief equip. there too. While aside from isolated unfortunate incidences many Expat families from the U.K. and the West in general have top ranking Jobs in Dubai , Saudi Arabia , and in general are welcomed to live , work and even reside indefinitely in those countries.
    As for Ground Zero and the sad plight of unfortunates there…it is clear now on the web that the plane which supposedly distroyed the two twin towers, and the Bldg. behind was of a model Not in use or allowed to be flown , meaning it was definitely not a Muslim plot, also the damage done was apparently due to detonation of explosives apparently as the steel in the bldgs. cannot melt as they did only by a plane explosion or fire from burning fuel, there are many more valid points why it was not an outside job that the article from a Western source mentions, sorry but I can not recall all of them.but those that I have are most visible ones for the subject.

    As for Youth , many a Western Lads are being sent to Schools in the U.S. and the West not to mention in Muslim countries, due to the reasonable fees that are taken, and more importantly because of the Peaceful and harmonious atmosphere that prevails in them.
    The myth that Islam does not encourage Knowledge is probably because of some Muslims who apparently live tribal lives in remote areas of countries and have virtually not a single concept of Islam per se’………..In Islam it is clear in the words of Last of The Prophets Mohammed P.B.U.H. who like all Moses, Abraham,Jesus, and 250,000 preceding them , Last of all Mohammed that man is to seek Knowledge from the cradle to the grave, even if he is to travel to the furtherest corner of the world. Islam .. The Intellectual Religion of Allah Karim, Allah All :Merciful One’s Gifted Nature to man, that which is within, and in of which is in his surroundings…… I do hope the above narrative clears some misconceptions , and wish all well , Shalom, Love, Salam Peace on our planet Earth.

  2. Please could you research these claims, most if not all of these “inventions” were about in many other cultures or they were added to by muslims eg algebra, mapping the stars. But to say baths is a joke, the romans created Bath the city when they invaded Britain years ago.Education was big in ancient Greece and Rome, the Chinese have had carpets and toothbrushes for millennia, maps have been found in babylon, asia and egypt predating the rise of islam. Certain Muslims did preserve and improve on many things but hardly the amount put forward in this article. Do some simple google searches and the origin of most of these will be more clear.

    • Lionel, please note that this is a play on the famous Monty Python sketch about the Romans from their film, “The Life of Brian”, it’s not meant to be taken so seriously… However, since you have, I must point out that the claim was not that Muslims invented everything in that list, but that these are fields that Muslims have significantly contributed towards. Who can claim to have invented Education for instance? Every civilisation required some form of education. However, it is worth noting that the first universities built in Europe were built by Muslims in Spain. I didn’t realise the Chinese had toothbrushes and carpets, although I know the Persians had carpets for a very long time. Nevertheless, in Europe we didn’t have these things until after contact with Muslims. Many things like these were brought to Europe by returning Crusaders and others through Al Andalus (Muslim Spain) and the Ottoman Empire.

  3. I dont drink but am determined to take a walk to dis pub and take on the filthy habbet because am very keen to meet the pig killer (gregg)and the pig its self (thats you frank)use both need rehab use only think use are hard after a pint. E.D.L laugh my ass off.

  4. Funny article!
    Another very important thing they brought to Europe was the modern system of numbers i.e 0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9 otherwise known as the arabic numerals – modifying a concept from India. People rightly say a lot of knowledge was taken from other cultures, eg paper from the Chinese, but the centralisation and enthusiastic spreading of knowledge allowed this, together with ancient greek texts, which were widely copied and translated and therefore preserved from decay and destruction.

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